Love Hurts  no, really!
by Lonestarr
Summary: Part movie parody, part cautionary tale and all messed up.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: "Hey Arnold!" was created by Craig Bartlett and is owned by Nickelodeon. If there's one thing I don't need, it's a lawsuit. I'm barely scraping by as it is.

Chapter 1 - Prologue

(...Hillwood High...about seven years into the future...)

Many of P.S. 118's alumni ended up here, and they were, more or less, the same as they were in the 4th grade. Helga, in particular, has always had an unapproachable air about her, mainly because of the way she was always insulting and threatening people. As she got older, though, she softened somewhat, losing her bullying attitude. She grew into a fairly attractive young woman. She still wears her pink bow, but as a ponytail holder. Also, her unibrow was no more, replaced by two nice-looking eyebrows.

Helga was walking down the hallway, humming a romantic melody in her head. Oblivious to her surroundings, she nearly bumped into Mrs. Lamoreaux, who was standing outside her door. 

"Oh, I'm sorry. My mind was elsewhere."

"That's all right, Helga."

The thirtyish English teacher invited Helga into her classroom.

"I wanted to talk to you about your writing."

"Oh. So what do you think?"

"Well, frankly, I'm surprised."

She then pulls out a paper from her desk.

"This piece reverberates with such life, such passion!"

"Thank you very much."

The educator produces another paper.

"But this one...it seems somewhat artificial."

"What are you getting at?

"Well, this first paper was written in October and the second one was written just two weeks ago. Has anything happened to you since then?"

"Well...I got a boyfriend."

"That could be a factor. Getting a boyfriend may have affected your creativity. Yours is some of the best writing I've read in my teaching career. You have a gift that not many other students have. I'd hate to see that gift go to waste."

Helga was beside herself. She loved her boyfriend, but she also dreamed of becoming a great writer.

(...the ladies' room...minutes later...)

Helga looked around to see if there was anyone in the room with her. After confirming the room's vacancy, she walks to an empty stall and closes the door.

"Why does life have to be so cruel?"

Helga pulls a quarter from her pocket.

"Heads, I choose love. Tails, I choose writing."

She tosses the coin into the air, waiting for it to hit the bathroom tile. The quarter lands and Helga looks down to see the result.

"Tails. Damn."


	2. A Star is Born

Chapter 2 - A Star is Born

(...Los Angeles...fourteen years later...)

Against her better judgment, Helga chose the path of a writer. To her surprise, she found it rife with success. Her books, while not quite Pulitzer material, were very popular with the public. What's more, they enabled her to make a comfortable living. Haven't heard of her work? Perhaps these titles will refresh your memory: "Sweet Sixteen", "Love in the Time of Apathy", "Heart of a Hero" and "Girls' Night Out". However, she still regrets giving up love for the sake of a career.

Helga, having since gotten rid of her bow and still fairly attractive, is at Viksten's, signing copies of her latest book, "The Time of Her Life". A twentysomething woman hands her a copy of the book for an autograph.

"I like your books, but why are they all romance novels? Have you ever considered writing stuff like fantasies or horror novels?"

"Well, nothing else inspires me like romance; fate bringing two people together, the longing of one person for another..."

Helga had to stop, for she was getting teary-eyed.

"I'm sorry."

After wiping away tears, she hands the book back to the young woman, who takes it.

"Well, thanks. Have a nice life."

Just as the young woman walks away, a middle-aged woman walks up to Helga. 

"Would you please sign my book, Ms. Pataki?"

"Certainly, ma'am. That's why I'm here."

After putting the signature in the back fold, Helga hands the book back to the woman, who gleefully takes it.

"Thank you very much, Ms. Pataki. I read all of your books and I just love them."

"Thank you. I'm glad you like them."

"Take care, Ms. Pataki."

The woman walked away, waving.

"Now, who else wants a sig-"

It turns out that the female fan was the last of a very small crowd to attend the book signing. The turnouts weren't massive, but the people who usually came numbered in the low hundreds, much more significant than the dozen or so to appear this night.

"Where in the hell is everyone?"

Helga looks toward the exit and spots a couple strolling past the doorway. Helga gets up from her chair and runs out. She sees several people walking to a movie theater. 

(...the movie theater...moments later...)

Helga is amazed to find the theater so packed. She looks around to find a seat and does in the back row. Just before sitting down, she sees what she thinks is the familiar outline of someone she once knew. She ignores it and sits down.

"What's going on, some dumb action movie? I swear, those things come out every freakin' week-"

The theater went dark and the screen started to play a movie: "Voice of an Angel".

Helga watched the opening moments of the film. About five minutes in, she was shocked to see a familiar face on the screen: Lila. Her reddish brown hair no longer in pigtails, but allowed to flow freely. Her character was wearing a lovely blue dress and descending a flight of stairs. Memories of the past flooding her mind, Helga was ready to MST3K her nemesis. Just as she opened her mouth to start the razzing, Lila's character spoke:

"Oh, my darling. You shouldn't have come."

Helga never really thought much of Lila, but she stayed with the film; through the laughs, the sad moments, the dry stretches and by the time the heart-breaking ending came around, she was in tears, awestruck at the conviction that Lila invested in her performance.

(...the movie theater...a couple of hours later...)

The house lights went up, and Helga quickly dried her eyes so no one could see how affected she was by the film.

The figure that she thought she recognized stood up; it was indeed Arnold! Though the years had caught up with him somewhat, he looked very much the same as he did in the 4th grade. Feeling that she was unready to see him after such a long time, she ducked behind the seats as he walked up the row.

Helga then walked outside and, just then, saw Arnold and Lila kissing.

At that moment, time stopped for Helga. Her mind immediately went back to a day in high school:

[...Arnold was walking through the crowded halls of the school, trying to get to his next class. He was still wearing his hat (priceless heirloom, you know). Just as he made it to the classroom, he was stopped by a familiar face in his path - that of Helga.

"How's it hangin', footballhead?", she said.

"Do you mind, Helga? I'm trying to get to my class."

"Well, that's fine, Arnold..."

She steps aside, and as he walks in, she sticks her leg out, blocking him.

"...as long as you pay the toll."

"C'mon, Helga."

"No toll, no passage."

"All right."

Arnold leans over...and kisses Helga on the lips!

"Well, I'll see ya later, Helga."

"See ya later, Arnold", she responds, a bemused look crossing her face.

(...the park...late that afternoon...)

Arnold and Helga are sitting on a patch of grass.

"...so she tells me that you're the reason my writing isn't as strong as it used to be."

"That's kinda silly."

"My thoughts exactly."

"But, then again..."

"You're not agreeing with her, are you?"

"Well, it seems that your writing was so full of life when we weren't together."

"So, what are you saying?"

"You have a great future ahead of you in writing..."

"And?"

"...maybe it would be better if I wasn't a part of that future."

A look of crushing disappointment crossed Helga's face.

"So, this is it, huh? I've wanted this for so long, and now, poof, it's gone."

Arnold put his hand on her shoulder.

"Come on, Helga. There's always a chance that we can end up together again, you know? After you've made it."

Helga wipes some tears away.

"Maybe you're right."

The two of them hug...]

Helga still couldn't believe it; the love of her life, and her rival, together again!

She watched as reporters swarmed on the happy couple, microphones in hand.

"Your performance was incredible. Have you been acting long?"

"Well, I acted on stage for eight years..."

"Have you thought about the possibility of winning any awards?"

"I suppose, but it's only my first performance in a film."

"Who is this handsome lad with you?"

"Well, this is Arnold. We went out briefly in school, and we got back together a few months ago."

The more Helga looked at them, the angrier she became.

"And how do you feel about your girlfriend's acting?"

"Well, I guess I _should_ be truthful, right?", he said as she playfully nudged him.

The crowd chuckles.

"Seriously, I think she was terrific. As her boyfriend, I'm confident that Lila has a bright future ahead of her."

The couple shares another kiss.

Helga felt ill at the sight of them.

"How could this happen? I'm supposed to be with Arnold. Me, not Lila!"

As Helga started to walk to her car, she couldn't get that thought out of her head. She had promised herself that she would avoid such childish actions as an adult, but her love for Arnold was just too strong. In her mind, she had no other choice:

"I guess I'll just have to break them up."


	3. Out With the New, In With the Old

Chapter 3 - Out With the New, In With the Old

(...somewhere...the next day...)

"I can't see anything."

"Well, that's the idea."

Lila, her sight impaired by a blindfold, was being led by Arnold to an unknown location. She was surprised when they stopped.

"We're here."

"Where is 'here'?"

Arnold takes off her blindfold and Lila is quite taken with what she sees.

"Oh, Arnold, it's beautiful."

Her eyes took in the sight of a very nice looking house.

"You really like it? I mean, it's not too small or anything?"

"No, I think it's great."

The house was a typical home in suburbia. Lila hadn't lived in a house since she was a child growing up on a farm. The majority of her life was spent in apartments, whether it was with her father, attending college or during her years as a stage actress. Living in a house again was something she wanted for a long time.

"You wanna know something, Lila."

"What?"

"I designed this house."

Lila threw her arms around Arnold and kissed him, obviously pleased with the end product.

"I love you."

In a car parked across the street, through a pair of binoculars, Helga could see the couple's loving embrace, which made her upset.

(...in the house...over the next few hours...)

The house was not yet furnished, so there was a lot of empty space inside. Lila danced about the living room, still quite happy with her gift. She walked through the house, looking in the rooms and seeing how nice, though empty, they were. She finally went down the stairs where she was met by Arnold.

"I still can't believe it. A great house. A great guy. A great life."

Lila fell into his arms.

"This is like a beautiful dream. I never want this to end."

"_This has to end!_"

(...a room...that night...)

With books of all kinds on a shelf and papers strewn about, this is most likely the room of someone who likes to write.

"This is my fairy tale, damnit! _I'm_ the princess."

Helga is at a table writing something.

"I think it's time for a re-write", she said before laughing in the same diabolical manner as when she executed these schemes as a kid.

(...Lila's house...the following day...)

Lila is sitting in a lawn chair in her backyard. Wearing a t-shirt and shorts, she looks very relaxed.

Just then, Arnold opens the sliding door and walks out with a bunch of scripts.

"These came for you in the mail, today."

He sets them down beside her.

"Thank you."

She picks one up and starts looking through it.

"Hmmm..."

(...the street...an hour later...)

Helga is walking down a street with houses on either side. In her hand, she's clutching a pair of sealed envelopes.

"These letters are just the thing to break up Lila's little relationship with my beloved."

She continues walking and soon trips on the street, dropping the letters. As she tries to get them, a breeze picks them off the ground and carries them through the air.

"Hey, come back with my letters!"

As Helga gives chase after the envelopes, she stops and thinks.

"Did I just say that out loud?!"

She resumes the chase as the letters continue to fly above.

(...Lila's house...twenty minutes later...)

Lila is just finishing up a script. She puts it on a pile of about four beside her. In straightening up the scripts so that they don't fall over, she doesn't notice the sealed envelope that falls onto the pile of unread ones.

She reaches over for a script, but instead grabs the letter. She opens the envelope and a shocked look gradually crosses her face as she reads the content:

__

Lila,

You don't honestly think that you deserve all of this, do you? You may think _you do, but let's be honest: you're not that pretty, you're not that interesting and you're not that talented. It will be a good day for both of us when you finally wake up and realize that this good life is based on a solid foundation of pity. Outside of that, I don't know what I ever saw in you._

Arnold

After wiping the tears from her eyes, Lila storms into the house.

(...Arnold's office...about the same time...)

Arnold is designing a new project. As he erases a mistake, he drops his pencil. Just as he picks it up, the other envelope flies through his open window, landing just off his desk. 

Arnold sits back up and continues his work when he notices a sealed envelope balancing on the edge of his desk. He catches it just as it falls off and opens it. His stunned look nearly says more than words could:

__

Arnold,

I never got a chance to adequately thank you for giving me this house, and by 'thank', I mean 'ridicule'. Haven't you learned anything about us movie stars? We demand the biggest and the best. This house is too small...and ugly, which brings me back to you. With that head of yours, you should be in sports. The NFL is always looking for extra balls.

Lila

Arnold, now looking quite angry, races out of the room. The couple end up meeting at the foot of the stairs.

"And here, I thought you loved this place."

"Don't change the subject. How could you think I'm untalented?"

"You want 'the biggest and the best', huh?"

"'...foundation of pity'?!"

The couple's voices soon overlap as they continue recounting their letters, ultimately leading to a simultaneous outburst of:

"How could you write this?!"

Arnold and Lila go to the living room and sit on the couch.

"Now, let's think about this, Lila. Do either of us hate each other so much that we'd write these nasty letters to each other? I mean, if we had a problem with each other, wouldn't we come right out and say so?"

"I guess."

"Like if I told you that your politeful cheeriness gets a little overbearing at times."

"Yeah..."

"Or if you tend to overuse the phrase 'ever so'..."

"Arnold, I haven't said 'ever so' since the 6th grade."

"Sorry. It's just that I needed to get it off my chest."

"Well, how about you and your need to help people? I mean, wouldn't they eventually find their own way?"

"Excuse me for trying to be a good samaritan!"

"You're excused."

Arnold walks up the stairs.

"Y'know, that's so funny, I forgot to laugh."

"Where are you going?"

"It's going to be a little chilly, tonight. You might need a jacket."

"What for? I'm not going anywhere."

Arnold comes down the stairs with a pair of suitcases filled with Lila's clothing. She soon puts two and two together.

"You can't throw me out. This is my house!"

"Actually, this is my house. It was my gift to you that I'm now taking back."

Arnold gives Lila the luggage and shuffles her to the door.

"Goodbye, Lila."

"But..."

The door slams in Lila's face.

(...a park bench...later that day...)

Arnold is sitting alone on a bench. Just then, he spots a mane of blonde hair at a far off bench. He heads toward it and finds Helga sitting there. Helga is somewhat surprised to see Arnold.

"What a small world this is."

"Hi, Helga. Can I have a seat?"

"Free country."

Arnold sits down.

"So, what have you been up to?"

"Well, I have my own architecture business. It's pretty successful. And yourself?"

"I'm a writer. Got a good career going."

"That's nice."

A long pause follows as the two think about what to talk about.

"So, are you seeing anyone?"

"Well, there was this one girl. An actress. We broke up, recently."

"Really?", she responded, trying hard to hide her growing elation.

"Yeah. I liked her a lot, but I guess, in the end, we weren't that good a fit."

"That's too bad."

"Helga...?"

"Yes?"

"Have you ever thought about giving _us_ another try, you know, now that you're successful?"

Helga jumped on Arnold smothering him with kisses. Her answer was clear.


	4. Reunited

Chapter 4 - Reunited

(...Arnold's house...that night...)

Arnold and Helga are sitting on a couch in the living room, which is dimly lit.

"So, tell me something, Arnold."

"What is it, Helga?"

She looks deep into his eyes, almost ready to kiss him...but she slaps him, instead.

"How could you end up with Lila again?!"

Arnold, still dazed from the slap, rubs his cheek.

"Well?"

"It's complicated, Helga."

"Then _un_complicate it."

"I was on a trip to New York City..."

(...New York City...about 18 months ago...)

Arnold is walking through the busy streets of Big Apple.

_"I was running a little late for a meeting with a client and I stopped to get some lunch."_

He stops at a hot dog stand and gets a foot long with mustard and onions.

_"That's when I saw her."_

Arnold is barely two bites into his hot dog when he sees Lila standing at a street corner.

_"She looked so nice that day, with her hair and her dress and..."_

_"Could you skip to the part where you make the big-ass mistake?"_

_"Okay. Well, I walk over to her and I say..."_

"Hey, Lila."

"Oh, hi, Arnold."

"How have you been?"

"I've been alright. I'm doing a lot of Broadway plays. And you?"

"Oh, I'm an architect."

"How nice."

"Arnold...?"

"Yeah, Lila?"

"The years have given me time to think about a lot of things."

"Like what?"

"Us. I miss us."

"In a way, I kind of miss us, too."

"I'm sorry for the way I led you on."

"That's all right, Lila. We were only nine. That's a really young age for a relationship, anyway."

"So, how about it?"

"Time will tell, I guess."

(...Arnold's house...present...)

"And that's how it happened."

"Well, you sure can spin a yarn, Arnold."

"Not half as well as you."

"Flattery will get you most everywhere."

Helga gets on top of Arnold and looks him deep in the eyes.

"Now shut up and pay the toll."

They kiss, then stop for a moment.

"I can't help but wonder..."

"What now?"

"I hope that Lila will be all right."

"C'mon. A girl like her; she'll be just fine."

The couple soon resumes kissing.


	5. The Great Depression

Chapter 5 - The Great Depression

(...a hotel room...later that night...)

The room is a very nice one, or at least it was; it's now in kind of a shambles. Chairs have been turned over, snack wrappers and pillows stained with tears litter the floor. The light bouncing off of the items is currently the only one in the room: that of the television set.

Lila, wrapped in a bedsheet, is flipping through the channels, where she runs across a variety of programs: an episode of "According to Jim", the movie "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" and a music channel, playing "You're Gonna Miss My Lovin'" by Lou Rawls. The song sets Lila on another crying jag. Through her tears, she picks up a nearby phone and dials room service.

"Hello."

"Yes, Ms. Lipman?", a female voice replies. Lila thought it best to use a fake name.

"Could you please send up some cookies and cream ice cream?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Actually, make it a lot."

"Right away."

Lila hangs up the phone and turns back to the television.

(...the hotel room...15 minutes later...)

Lila is lying on the bed, groaning. She's just finished off five cartons of ice cream. She soon looks toward the open minibar and sees a bunch of little bottles of champagne. After stumbling out of bed, she approaches the cabinet and grabs three bottles, quickly emptying their contents.

Lila ambles toward the sliding door window and opens it. She steps onto the balcony, which overlooks the swimming pool about three stories up. Lila leans too far over the railing and falls over the edge.

She lands in the pool below, amidst several happy swimmers. One of them swims under to rescue her.

"Somebody call an ambulance!"

...are the last words Lila hears as she slips into unconsciousness.

(...a hospital room...the next morning...)

Lila is lying in a hospital bed. She can hear the voices of the staff overlap in a weird chorus:

"What do we have?"

"Young woman, early 30s, took a fall from a hotel balcony."

"And we found empty champagne bottles in her room."

"My God. How is she now?"

"In stable condition. She's slipping in and out of consciousness."

"If you ask me, that girl is damn lucky to be alive."

A younger nurse walks by the room, but seeing Lila draws her in.

"Oh my God. She's that actress: Lila Sawyer. What a thing to happen to someone so talented."

Just then, the intercom buzzes and a voice says:

"Nurse Hershey, please report to the O.R. Nurse Hershey to O.R."

Lila watches as the nurse leave as best she can; in her weakened state, she can only watch the ceiling and move her eyes during her moments of consciousness.

Just as her vision starts to get blurry, she can hear the sound of footsteps approaching her bed. Lila can barely make out a figure looking over her. The figure puts a hand on Lila's head then takes out a bottle and pours its contents in Lila's mouth. The figure sits her up to ease the swallowing, then lays her back down.

(...the hospital room...a few days later...)

Lila is resting in her bed. She no longer slips out of consciousness. She seems to have recovered fully.

Nurse Hershey, holding a paperback book, walks in to check on her.

"Miss Sawyer..."

"Call me Lila."

"Lila, you look better."

"Thank you. I feel healthier, too."

"No, you _really_ look better."

The nurse hands Lila a mirror and she is surprised by what she sees: her red hair is bouncier with added luster, her lips are poutier and her eyes give off a weird sparkle.

"Wow. Did somebody give me a makeover while I was asleep?"

"Not that I know of."

Lila notices the book in the nurse's hand.

"What's that book you're reading?"

"Oh, it's 'Love in the Time of Apathy' by Helga Pataki. It's really good."

"May I read it?"

"Certainly, Lila. My break's almost over, anyway."

Lila picks up the book and reads it. It's your basic romance novel, enlivened by some sharp dialogue. Around page 146, Lila notices a familiar looking passage:

You don't honestly think that you deserve all of this, do you? You may think you do, but let's be honest: you're not that pretty, you're not that interesting and you're not that talented. It will be a good day for both of us when you finally wake up and realize that this good life is based on a solid foundation of pity. Outside of that, I don't know what I ever saw in you.

It's the letter "from Arnold", verbatim.

Lila thinks for a moment and arrives at a conclusion:

"Helga did this!"


	6. Not Meant to Be?

Chapter 6 - Not Meant to Be?

(...a newsstand...the following day...)

A number of disreputable publications have gone to print with typically exaggerated versions of Lila's night from hell. Some of the headlines:

National Incriminator: "Portrait of a Young Actress Over the Edge."

Scar: "Rising Starlet Burns Out!"

Geekly World News: "Lila Possessed by Aliens!"

Helga walks by and sees the tabloids. The issue of "Scar" catches her eye enough that she picks it up and hands the newsstand operator two dollars for it.

As she walks down the street, Helga starts reading the story.

"'...the young actress was staying at the Hotel Greenburg when, it is believed, that Lila leaped from the balcony of her third-floor room and landed in the pool below. Doctors ruled it a failed suicide attempt.'"

Helga nearly drops the magazine.

"Man, I wanted Lila to fail, but I never wanted _this_. This is just like that "Simpsons" episode."

(...Arnold's house...that afternoon...)

Arnold is sitting in the living room watching television. In his channel-surfing trance, he briefly glimpses Lila. Surprised, he flips back to the channel featuring his two-time ex-girlfriend.

(...an auditorium...moments later...)

The auditorium, packed with reporters, is the site of a press conference.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Lila Sawyer!", a voice intones.

Lila, in a fucshia dress, walks up to a podium.

"Thank you."

A bunch of reporters are clamoring over each other to ask questions.

"Miss Sawyer, what do you have to say about what happened?"

"All I can really say is that there is no excuse for what I did. Also, it was a misbegotten and pathetic plea for attention."

"Miss Sawyer, are you worried that this incident might adversely affect your career?"

"Yes, but there are far worse things I could've done...but didn't and won't."

"Miss Sawyer, you look incredible. How do you do it?"

"Well..."

Lila is unable to give a straight answer, since she doesn't quite know how she got this way.

"A girl's got to have her secrets."

The crowd murmurs amongst themselves.

"It is my hope that we can put this unspeakable incident behind us."

Several flashbulbs go off as photographers take pictures of Lila.

(...a phone booth...a half-hour later...)

Helga had a lot on her mind. Her latest attempt at writing has hit one stumbling block after another. The cycle which bedeviled her in high school had begun anew; having Arnold in her life was impeding her creativity. Helga picks up the receiver and dials a number.

(...Arnold's house...about the same time...)

Arnold hears the phone ringing and picks it up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Arnold", Helga replies, a twinge of flatness in her voice.

"Is something wrong? Where are you?"

"Oh, I'm just fine. I just decided to go out for a walk, you know; clear my head."

"Okay."

Helga is about to hang up.

"Hey! Did you hear about Lila?", says Arnold.

"Yeah. It's...really something."

"It's amazing what happened to her."

"Um-hmm."

"Well, I'll see you when you get back, Helga."

"Goodbye."

As Helga hung up the phone, her heart grew heavy. In addition to her writing problems, the thought of her driving Lila to near-death (however indirectly) dominated her mind. Helga soon reflected on some of the pain she'd inflicted on Lila in the past: humiliating her on her first day, making her throw up at the Cheese Festival, but, in the end, it was all in fun.

She wanted Lila out of Arnold's life, but she never wanted her dead.

Helga took off down Purdy Drive, walking past of number of buildings in varying states of disrepair. Just then, she stops in front of a building that looks very familiar to her. The name above the doorway causes Helga's eyes to widen...


	7. The Brew That is True

Chapter 7 - The Brew That is True

(...an undisclosed location...minutes later...)

Helga is sitting in a chair at a small round table in a faintly lit room. She's carrying on a conversation with a person shrouded in darkness.

"...and so I took a walk to try and straighten things out."

"Mm-hmm."

"And that's when I came upon this place."

"Mm-_hmm_."

"It's just so weird talking to you. Now, don't get me wrong; I appreciate what you did for me all those years ago; helping me gain perspective on life, but I never thought I'd see you again."

"Life is quite surprising, but the important thing is making the most of the time you have.", the voice replied in an European accent.

"Y'know, we've been over this before; you don't have to put on the whole 'mystic gypsy' act."

"Hey, I gotta have some mystery to me", the European accent soon replaced with a Brooklynese one.

The woman stepped out of the darkness. It was Madame Blanche, who once gave Helga a potion to help her forget about Arnold, but in the end, it was just a placebo.

But the Madame Blanche with whom Helga was conversing didn't, in any way, resemble the woman she met as a nine-year-old. The strange thing is that she looked a lot younger!

Her dark hair was fuller, her skin was smooth, and her eyes were blue. In fact, she bore a striking resemblance to Esmerelda from Disney's _The Hunchback of Notre Dame_. Helga is aghast at the "new" Madame Blanche.

"Holy crap! Is that really you?"

"In the flesh", she says, striking a pose.

"How did this happen?"

"Do you _really_ want to know?"

"Yes!"

(...Arnold's house...minutes later...)

Arnold is in his office working on designs for a new restaurant when he hears the ringing of the doorbell.

He rushes down the stairs and opens the door. His jaw drops when he sees who is on the other side of it: Lila.

"Well, are you going to stand there catching fireflies or are you going to let me in?", she said, surprisingly forward.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Please come in."

Lila walks in and stands beside Arnold's couch, her arms folded.

"So, um, what brings you here?"

Lila's brazen facade slips away as she gives her answer.

"You."

"Me?"

Lila runs to Arnold and puts his arms around her.

"Yes, you."

Arnold tightens his grip around Lila, who is almost on the verge of tears.

"Oh, Arnold. I missed you so much that night at the hotel. And I felt so embarrassed in the hospital...when I was awake, at least. I'd go right to pieces without you."

"I didn't know how much I meant to you. I'm sorry, Lila."

"I forgive you, Arnold, but I don't hold _you_ responsible."

"Well, then, who _do _you hold responsible?"

(...Madame Blanche's shop...minutes later...)

Helga is looking at a vial of pink liquid sitting in front of her on the table. Madame Blanche is sitting across from her.

"So...this is the stuff that made you young, huh?"

"Young-_looking_ and healthier."

Helga picks up the vial and shakes it a bit.

"Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"Yes, I do."

"Because I remember a certain (making air quotes) 'out-of-love potion' you gave me that was nothing more than grape soda and chamomile. How do I know that this isn't diluted Pepto-Bismol?!"

"How do you know it _is_?"

Helga puts the vial down.

"Many..."

Madame Blanche clears her throat, then speaks with her European accent.

"Many years ago, I was clearing out some items from my old shop. Business had slowed to a crawl, so I decided to relocate. I had dropped one of my vials in the sink and out spilled a potion..."

"...that didn't work."

"Please do not interrupt. I used a sponge to soak up the potion as best I could. I drained the remnants into what I thought was an empty vial, but it turned out that there was already a clear liquid within it."

Madame Blanche picks up the vial.

"The new concoction gave off a pungent aroma. I took a sip and, moments later, I saw that was younger, almost as if time were reversed and halted for me."

"And that's how you ended up like this?"

"Yes, it is."

"I must say that that story is absolutely..."

(...Arnold's house...minutes later...)

"...unbelievable!"

"Come again?"

"That's unbelievable. Helga wrote those letters?"

"That's what I'm telling you."

"I know that Helga's done stuff like this in the past, but she outgrew it."

"That's what she'd want you to believe."

Lila pulls out her letter and a copy of "Love in the Time of Apathy" from her purse. She opens the book to page 146 and lays the book and letter side by side.

"Amazing."

"Isn't it?"

"Yeah. You'd think a fine author like Helga would be above self-plagiarism."

"Yeah, _and_ she sent us the letters. She can't get away with this."

"But what can we do about it?"

"Oh, I'm sure we'll think of something", a sly smirk appearing on Lila's face.

(...Madame Blanche's shop...minutes later...)

"Why are you passing judgment on something you haven't even tried?"

"Historical precedent."

"Good one, but how do you explain _me_?"

"We're standing in the plastic surgery capital of the world."

"Look around. Does this look like the business of someone with money to burn on surgery?"

Helga looks around and sees her point. Madame Blanche hands her the vial.

"Try it."

Helga hesitantly takes the vial, opens it and takes a sip. She takes a couple of steps before stumbling over. She wraps her arms around her stomach and groans.

"It feels like an eternity before the pain is over, but it's over in a few seconds."

With those words, Helga stands up and dusts herself off. She looks at her hands, which have become smoother. She runs to a mirror and sees that, among other things, her blonde hair is bouncier, her face is softer and her lips are fuller.

"Wow", Helga says, feeling her face.

She looks down at herself.

"This is incredible."

"But I must warn you..."

"Warn me? About what? What warning?!"

"Take care of yourself. You and your body are going to be together for a long time."

Helga walks toward the exit, then turns suddenly.

"Wait, what do I owe you?"

"Consider it a gift."

As Helga ventured into the night, she reflected on Madame Blanche's words:

"_Take care of yourself. You and your body are going to be together for a long time_..."

"Now, why does that sound familiar?"


	8. Death Unbecoming

Chapter 8 - Death Unbecoming

(...Arnold's house...a half-hour later...)

The doorbell rings and Arnold rises from the living room couch to answer it. Lila, meanwhile, is in the kitchen looking through the cabinets.

Arnold opens the door and sees Helga, but is amazed to find her even more beautiful then when they last saw each other. Arnold is understandably astonished.

"You can put your eyes back in your head any time now", Helga said as she walked in.

"Wow. You look so...different."

"Why, thank you."

"How did you do it?"

"A girl's got to have her secrets."

Helga sits on the couch, her arms outstretched and her legs crossed.

"Um, is there anything I can get for you?"

"Well, I could sure go for a drink."

As soon as the word "drink" escapes Helga's lips, Lila panics. Helga rises from the couch.

"How 'bout I go make some?"

Still in the kitchen, Lila tries to hide. She ends up next to the refrigerator.

Helga opens the door and looks inside, the door concealing Lila from sight. As Helga continues her search, Lila peeks over the door, then ducks back when Helga rises with a bottle of champagne.

"Arnold, would you like some champagne?"

"Oh, no, thanks."

Helga puts the bottle on the table and looks in the upper cabinets for a glass. Lila, meanwhile, sneaks from beside the refrigerator and quietly crawls toward the lower cabinets. She opens the door and soon finds a small box of rat poison. Just as she takes it, Helga walks toward the table and pours the champagne in a glass. Helga turns back around to close the cabinet door, and at that moment, Lila sprinkles some of the poison in Helga's glass.

Helga takes the glass in one hand and the bottle in another and walks toward the couch. As she sits down, she takes a sip.

"It feels so good to be back here with you, Arnold."

Helga downs the rest of the drink, tosses the glass aside and gets up from the couch.

As she walks toward Arnold, she collapses on the floor, choking. Arnold tries to help her to her feet.

"My God, Helga, are you all right?"

"As right as rain."

With those words, Helga falls backward through the coffee table, a loud snap nearly drowning out the cracking wood.

"Oh, no."

Lila walks into the living room and looks down at Helga's lifeless body. Arnold looks at her.

"You didn't..."

"I might've..."

"How...? Why...? How could you do such a thing?!"

Lila produces the box of rat poison.

"Let's just say that there was a huge rat on the premises that needed extermination."

"I cannot believe you."

"She tore us apart. What is your problem?"

"You turned into the person who wrote that letter."

Arnold shoots a look of disgust at Lila and walks away from her.

Lila walks toward the sliding door to the backyard. She looks out and breathes a huge sigh of remorse.

"What have I done?"

She walks to the kitchen and turns on the tap. She holds her hands under the water and splashes her face. After drying her face with the towel, she walks back to the living room where she finds that Helga's corpse is missing from the wreckage of the coffee table.

Lila feels a light breeze from the sliding door, which is now open.

"Lila..."

Lila is in complete shock when she turns around - and sees Helga holding the umbrella from the table in the backyard. Her neck being broken, she has to hold her head up with one hand, while holding the umbrella in the other.

"Catch!"

Helga tosses the umbrella like a dart - into Lila's chest. The force of the throw causes Lila to fall backward and land in the backyard, the umbrella sticking straight up.

Helga jerks her head around until it's the way it was, or as close as it gets. She goes upstairs and finds Arnold sitting on his bed grieving.

"What's wrong? Did you lose something?"

Arnold turns around and jumps back at the sight of the supposedly dead Helga.

"Arnold, are you all right?"

"I should ask _you _that question. I thought you were dead."

Helga looks down at herself and sees a number of splinters - big ones - sticking out of her. She goes over her body and picks most of them out.

"Wow. Was I gone long?"

Arnold is helping Helga down the stairs.

"I should take you to a hospital...or a mortician, or something."

"But I feel fine."

"Helga..."

"Stop worrying. Besides, I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."

The umbrella in the backyard suddenly opens and a figure rises, the umbrella still in it. Lila pulls the umbrella out of her, leaving a golfball-sized hole in her midsection. The opening of the sliding door alerts Helga and Arnold. They look and see Lila holding an umbrella in her hand.

"Well, that wasn't very nice."

Helga walks toward Lila and the two women start circling around the room.

"You're harder to kill than a cockroach, and twice as irritating."

"Keep talking, Helga. Give me another excuse to beat you down."

"Dream on, little lady. You can't beat me in a fight. You're not the fighting type."

Lila stops moving.

"You're right."

"Besides, that hole in your chest might be a handicap."

"Yeah, the hole in...what?!"

Lila looks down and sees the hole in her chest. The shock of the opening causes her to whimper nervously.

"Do you know what this will do to my career?!"

"If I were you, I'd be more concerned with eating."

"Now you've gone too far."

She then grabs the umbrella, closes it and holds it in her hands like a staff.

Helga grabs the champagne bottle from the floor and breaks it on the wall.

"Oh, yeah. I've been waiting for this."

Arnold walks in between them.

"Come on. Can't we talk about this?"

"It's too late for talk", Helga says, brandishing the bottle.

The women resume circling each other, occasionally slashing at each other with their weapons.

"Okay. Let me know when you're done."

The ladies watch as Arnold goes up the stairs, then turn their attention on each other.

Helga charges at Lila with the bottle. Lila dodges it and trips Helga with the umbrella. The broken bottle slips from Helga's hand and shatters on the floor. Lila holds the umbrella over Helga, ready to drive it through her, but Helga sweeps Lila's leg with her own, knocking her over. Lila falls to the floor, bending the umbrella. She soon climbs onto Helga, choking her. Helga knocks her arms away and gives her a two-fingered eye poke which sends Lila backward. Helga tries to get up, but Lila quickly spins around. She grabsthe blonde's hair and slams her head against the floor. Helga counters with a back kick, then picks Lila up and runs her into the wall. Helga tries for another kick, but Lila snatches her blouse, bringing Helga to the floor, where Lila punches her. After a few hits, Helga grabs her fist. Lila swings with a left, but Helga catches the other one. Helga headbutts Lila and the two women are knocked apart and lying on the floor, both panting and sweaty from the energy they've exerted.

"You hurt yet?", gasps Helga.

"No."

Helga reaches over as best as she can and kicks Lila in the leg.

"How about now?"

"Still nothing. After all of that, we can't even cause each other pain."

"You don't know what pain is."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't give me that! You went for Arnold and you _knew_ that I loved him. Even worse, he still loved you after you dumped him."

"Well...it's not like you were in any great hurry to tell him how you felt. But you know what hurts the most, Helga?"

"The hole?"

"Yeah, but what hurts the second most is you being so nice to me and, it turns out, you didn't mean any of it."

"All right, so maybe, we're both at fault."

"I'm sorry for going after Arnold."

"And I'm sorry for plotting to break you two apart."

"Accepted."

"And this mess. I'm sure this place meant a lot to you."

"I never liked that coffee table much, anyway."

"And while we're on the subject of apologies, I'm sorry for the time in the 4th grade that the gelatin was dumped on you in the cafeteria. And the stuff at the Cheese Festival. And what happened when you and Olga were all friendly."

"Wait. That was _you_?"

"Yeah. Well, my conscience is clean."

With a sudden burst of adrenaline, Lila rushes over to Helga and is ready to punch her.

"If I wasn't such a forgiving person...oh, what the hell?"

Lila punches her and the two women hit the floor yet again.

(...Arnold's room...fifteen minutes later...)

Arnold is sitting in his room when the door opens and he sees the shadows of Helga and Lila against the wall. Arnold turns around to look at them.

"Arnold...Helga and I settled our differences."

"And we decided that you should choose between us. Whatever the decision, we'll both be fine with it."

Arnold stood up and walked toward the two women.

"I've had some time to think. Now, I love the both of you, and perhaps I always will. But I don't think I can be with either of you."

The ladies are shocked by this.

"Helga, I can't believe that you'd try to break us up..."

"I think we know where this is going", Lila says, pride in her voice.

"...and Lila, you're just as bad. You tried to kill her!"

"_Tried_, Arnold. She's still here."

"I'm sorry, but I want you, both of you, to leave."

Helga and Lila developed very angry looks on their faces. Arnold quickly realized that they were not satisfied with his response, and started to run.


	9. The Big Chase

Chapter 9 - The Big Chase

(...the street...minutes later...)

Arnold is running. He stops and bends over, panting for breath. He looks behind him and, about a mile behind, are his disfigured ex-girlfriends giving chase. Arnold takes another gasp and continues running.

"Haven't we caught up with him yet, Helga?"

"We would've had him before he left the house, but _someone_ was so self-conscious about her body that she _had_ to put on a jacket!"

"I don't see why you're so mad. This hole is your fault, anyway."

"Let's not start that, again."

(...downtown...minutes later...)

Arnold is still running. In the moment he looks back, he runs into Madame Blanche, knocking her down. He gets down and helps her up.

"Oh. I'm so sorry."

"Quite all right, but why were you running?"

"Let's just say...I've got women troubles."

"And why not? A handsome lad like yourself probably has to beat the ladies off with a stick."

"If I'm not careful, _they'll_ be the ones doing the beating."

"Why would that be?"

"Well, I kinda decided to break up with them."

"Oooh."

"But I had to. They became so...irrational. So devious."

"That is a problem."

"Also, they'd become so disfigured. Now I'm not vain, but there's something wrong when you're poisoned and impaled and still moving around."

"Now, that's not...did you say 'poisoned and impaled and still moving around'?"

"Yes."

"Are the two women chasing you a blonde and a redhead?"

"Yes. How did you know?"

"They weren't careful. I told them to be careful and they weren't. It's not like I said 'Take care of yourself. You and your body are going to be together for a very long time.' in Sanskrit."

"What are you talking about?"

"A mystical potion that I gave to them. The blonde woman was a long-ago customer of mine and the redhead...I really liked her performance in 'Voice of an Angel'."

"What does this potion do?"

"It bestows invincibility, beauty and life everlasting to whomever drinks it. But you need to take care. You can't just go around trying to kill each other."

"Wow. That is truly unbelievable."

"So, can I interest you in some?"

"No, thanks!"

Arnold looks behind him once again and sees Helga and Lila gaining on him, so he takes off again.

Madame Blanche sees the women running towards her. They stop upon seeing her.

"Did I not tell you to take care of yourselves?"

"I'm sorry, but our history - the both of us - is bigger than any warning", said Helga.

"But don't think we're not grateful."

"Yes. We're very grateful."

"So, how bad is the damage?"

Lila takes off her jacket and Helga loosens up her neck, allowing Madame Blanche to see the extent of the injuries.

"Whoa", she replied, briefly losing her accent.

Lila puts her jacket back on and Helga readjusts her neck.

"I'd hate to have to do that again. Is there some way you can help us?"

"Yes, there is."

(...Hotel Greenberg...twenty minutes later...)

Arnold is out of breath from running. He turns around and finds himself in front of the Hotel Greenberg. He goes to the entrance and walks inside.

The ladies are still running in the street. 

"Helga, I think I saw him go into the Hotel Greenberg."

"You sure?"

"Almost positive."

"Well, let's go!"

Arnold sneaks by the front desk and heads for an elevator.

Helga and Lila run in and spot Arnold. They rush toward him, but a crowd gathers around them.

"Oh, Miss Sawyer! Miss Sawyer!", the throng exclaims.

"Can I have your autograph?"

"Surely."

Helga works her way out of the crowd and runs toward the elevator, but it closes just as she gets to it. Angrily, she bangs on the door. She then walks toward the mob surrounding Lila with an annoyed look on her face.

"Umm...you wanna hurry it up, Winona?"

"My public beckons. I shant leave them wanting."

"Oy", Helga groaned, rolling her eyes.

Helga walks back to the elevator and looks up at the lights flashing for each floor: 4, 5, 6. The light holds on '6'. Helga runs back to Lila.

"I'll be on the sixth floor when you're done."

"Okay, Helga."

Helga gets on an adjacent elevator, pushes the button for '6', folds her arms and laughs as the door closes.

(...the sixth floor...five minutes later...)

Helga gets off the elevator and looks both ways in the hallway, but finds nothing. She walks to the end then turns the corner. She sees a door close, then slowly advances towards it. She kicks the door open and bursts in...

"I've got you, you football-headed heartbreaker!"

...only to find a couple in the throes of passion. They stop at seeing Helga.

"Wow. I am so sorry."

Helga nervously leaves, closing the door. She then opens it.

"By the way, nice work, girlfriend."

Helga again departs.

"Who was that?"

"Who cares?"

Lila has gotten off the elevator and looks around.

Arnold, meanwhile, is looking out from the window in the door to the stairwell. He sees someone coming and ducks down. Helga opens the door and finds that no one is there; Arnold is on the other side. The door closes and Arnold runs up the stairs. 

Helga hears a rapping from behind the door and goes to open it. The rapping gets louder as she approaches the stairs. Helga runs up after Arnold. Lila sees the door close and runs toward it.

(...the roof...minutes later...)

Arnold looks over the side and sees people around the swimming pool.

"Enjoying the view, footballhead?"

Arnold turns back and sees Helga.

"Well, I was."

"I think it's only fair to give you one last chance. Who will it be, me...", she said in a seductive tone. "...or Lila?", she snapped in the same mocking way from childhood.

"I really am sorry, but I don't want to be with either of you."

"Well, if I can't have you, then neither can anyone else!"

Helga advanced on Arnold, ready to push him over.

Lila runs to them.

"No!"

Arnold loses his footing and slips over the edge.

The women look over to find that Arnold...is hanging on a balcony about one floor down by his shirt collar.

"This is new."

"Arnold, hang on and we'll get you some help", Lila said encouragingly.

"And if I get down safely, the two of you will still keep hounding me: 'Who do you love, me or her?' I'm sorry, but that's not for me."

The shirt starts to rip.

"Still, that's better than being a human pancake, right? Right?"

"I'm thinking."

Another rip.

"Think faster, beloved."

Another rip.

"Arnold, we need you!"

"But I don't need you anymore."

With those words, the collar loses to gravity and Arnold falls through the sky to the pool below. Such is the impact of the fall that Arnold ends up drifting to the bottom of the pool.


	10. Epilogue

Chapter 10 - Epilogue

(...a hospital...early in the morning...)

Arnold is lying in a hospital bed being wheeled through the hallways of the same hospital that nursed Lila back to consciousness.

Another chorus of voices can be heard:

"Now who do we have?"

"Young male, early 30s, fell from a hotel balcony."

"Deja vu all over again. How is he?"

"Stable condition. He ingested a lot of water, but the paramedics saved him."

"Good. Is he conscious?"

"Surprisingly, yes. It looks like he has a strong will to live."

"Or he just got lucky."

Arnold is wheeled into a hospital room. Nurse Hershey passes by the room and looks in on him.

"You'd think with all the bad press they were getting, the hotel would close."

"Yeah, go figure."

(...the hospital room...later that day...)

Arnold's eyes try to focus on the figure standing over him.

"I see you're awake."

"Yeah, I - who are you?"

"Nurse Hershey."

"How did I get here?"

"How did you g- wow, that fall really did something to you."

(...the street...last night...)

Helga and Lila are talking to Madame Blanche.

_"Isn't there some way you can help us?"_

_"Yes, there is."_

Madame Blanche produces a card and gives it to the women.

_"Go to this address. They will help you."_

_"How will they help us?"_

_"Like you said, 'We're in the plastic-surgery capital of the world'."_

(...the hospital room...three days later...)

Nurse Hershey walks into the room, where Arnold is lying in bed..

"So, how are you feeling today?"

"Much better, thank you."

"What happened to you that night?"

"All I can recall was being chased, then ending up at a hotel. It had something to do with two women."

"Sounds amazing."

"Yeah. Nurse Hershey?"

"Yes?"

"Have you ever heard of the Nightingale syndrome; how a patient falls for the person who cared for him?"

"From time to time."

Arnold sits up in his bed.

"Well, I think I've fallen in love with you."

"You have?"

"Yes. I was in love before, but it seems like every girl I've ever been involved with has had some kind of hang-up."

He takes her hand.

"I think you are the real deal. Okay, that came out wrong."

"No, please continue."

"I know you've been doing your job these last few days, but I think that you really seem to care for me."

"Well, Arnold, the thing is that I do have feelings for you, but I was afraid that it might jeopardize the performance of my duties."

"The story of my life."

"But I don't care. I want us to be together."

"I love you, Nurse Hershey."

"Call me Antoinette."

She climbs onto the bed and the two of them kiss, Arnold running his hand through Antoi...Annie's dark hair.

(...a bleak location...that night...)

Helga and Lila are sitting on a bench in a hallway. A nearby door opens and a morose-looking woman comes out.

"The doctor will see you now."

"Which of us?", replied Lila in an apprehensive tone.

"Whoever is first."

"Well, Lila, you can go ahead."

"No, Helga. You go first. I insist."

"Sometime in this life."

"All right."

The two women make fists and shake them. A game of 'rock, paper and scissors' is the deciding factor. Helga throws paper, while Lila throws rock.

"Paper covers rock. You're up, girlfriend."

(...an emergency room...a half-hour later...)

Lila is lying on a table. A creepy-looking old man is standing over her.

"Doctor Ansolabehere, will this hurt?"

"Do you want it to hurt?"

"No!"

"Then, no, it won't."

The doctor places a mask on Lila's face, the anesthetic knocking her out.

(...a trailer...two months later...)

A feminine figure is applying lipstick to its lips.

"We're ready for you on set."

"I'll be right there."

The figure, who happens to be Lila, leaves the trailer and walks to the set, where she is greeted by applause and photographers.

The crowd starts talking among themselves.

"I heard that she might be nominated for an Oscar."

"I heard that she's thinking about producing her next film."

"Well, I heard that she has a hole in her chest the size of a golf ball."

This bit of gossip catches Lila's attention.

"Security!"

The nay-sayer is soon hauled away.

"Do your worst! No one can escape the vigilant eyes of Scar!"

(...Viksten's...the next day...)

Helga is sitting at a table surrounded by copies of her latest book: "You Made Me Love You", the story of a couple torn apart - literally - by a spell gone awry. She scratches at a scar on her neck, most likely from the operation. After signing a copy for a fan, a familiar young woman approaches her.

"A horror novel from Helga Pataki. I never thought I'd see the day. How'd you do it?"

"Let's say I had some...experience."

Amazingly, the lives of Arnold, Helga and Lila turned out fine:

Arnold and Annie lived a long and happy life together. Arnold sold his old house and designed a new one. The couple never let their careers get in the way of their love for each other, and vice versa.

The hole in her chest patched up because of the operation, Lila continued with her acting career. She was attached to a number of celebrities over the years, but none of the relationships were serious. She never did win an Oscar, though.

Helga varied her writing output. While she still wrote romance novels, she focused on other genres like horror, fantasy and drama. Though she had lots of ideas in these particular styles, they didn't sell as well as her romances, at least not with her regular fanbase.

Madame Blanche still has her shop, where the curious can have their lives changed and their eyes opened...for a price. She and Dr. Ansolabehere eventually got together...though there were some people who thought that she could do better.

Everything worked out...at least for a while.

(...Bartlett Road...thirty years later...)

Helga, still beautiful but riddled with gray hairs, is driving on the road. Meanwhile, Lila is driving on the other side of the road in the opposite direction. Lila is also quite attractive in her advanced years, though her eyesight has been failing and has to wear glasses. Both women have more or less retired from their fields.

Lila runs over a box in the road, causing her glasses to fall off. She ends up driving over to the opposite road and runs into Helga just as she is going by.

Both cars end up rolling down a hill; tumbling and crashing the whole way. As the vehicles land at the bottom, the bodies of the drivers fly through their respective windshields and shatter into several pieces on the ground.

Helga's disembodied head looks over at that of Lila and smirks.

"So...how good are you at jigsaw puzzles?"

The End

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Addendum on 12-15-03)

A/N (Damn this new rule!): In addition to the characters from "Hey Arnold!" and Craig Bartlett, certain story elements (and one key line of dialogue; I could've phrased it some other way, but I couldn't think of anything else...or maybe, I didn't want to) were borrowed (or stolen, if you want to be a jerk about it) from the motion picture "Death Becomes Her", which was written by Martin Donovan & David Koepp, directed by Robert Zemeckis and released by Universal Pictures in 1992. (That pretty well covers it.)

To AyakaChan, midnightoasis, SansCorpus, jon c..err, FROZENsun, ShuffleQueen, Pointyo Objects and lady-of-the-wind, thank you for taking time to review this attempt of mine. ( - I was trying to reference writer Antionette Stella; I would've called her Stella, but that's Arnold's mother's name and I felt that the story was jacked up enough without any Oedipal elements.)

Hopefully, some of the readers noticed the many in-jokes scattered throughout the story, like the writers' names, the programming during Lila's hotel stay and, of course, the many references to past episodes. I very much appreciate the comments about the dialogue. I came up with the last line about the time I started planning the story.

Thank you and have a nice day.


End file.
